A Portrait Of The Author As A City Dweller

It’s high time I talk about what it’s like living in Southwest DC. I’m not saying we’re leaving, but since baby is too young to one day remember what an adventure living in Southwest is, I thought I’d put it down for posterity. Babydaddy and I have lived in the city for many years, though we attend church, own a business, and frequently shop outside the city. We are like many other families who live in DC-stubborn, holding on to this idea of urban life, even with kids, especially with kids. We are proud of the fact that they attend public schools, they are experts at riding the buses and navigating the Metro, they are seasoned gardeners (albeit on borrowed community garden land), they know which museum is which on the Mall, and they’ve been to see the Phillips Collection. As for us adults, we can say the same, plus we can boast knowledge of restaurants that tourists don’t visit and what farmers’ markets are the best (Dupont Circle Sunday mornings.) Contrary to what most people who refuse to come into the city believe, we do not spend all of our time dodging bullets (only some) and we are not rich (if you only knew!)

There are some things about the city, and specifically Southwest, that make it, well, colorful. Here are a few:

1. Aggressive Local Fauna:

If you live in the city you know the basic safety rules when it comes to walking down the street, particularly at night: be aware, don’t talk on the cell phone, don’t listen to your ipod, maintain eye contact, don’t put the huge hood on your winter coat up no matter how cold it is, walk in the middle of the street if you have to, and, a little something I’ve picked up on over the years, when passing someone it’s a good idea to say something. I highly recommend the “how you doin?” phrase. I can’t help but think that a rapist or robber would possibly think twice once asked about his or her general condition. Plus, if they aren’t potential criminals, you just seem really nice.

So back to my point.

Most people aren’t aware of the need to look out for angry animals like birds and squirrels. In my neighborhood there is a certain blue jay and squirrel (maybe they’re in cahoots) that rule our block. Look, all I’m sayin’ is that you best have some kind of crumb of something or you better be ready to sprint to your car/bus/metro stop or they will get you. My husband called me from his cell phone the other day, once he’d reached the safety of his car, to report that he and the kids had been accosted by said squirrel while trying to walk down the sidewalk. The squirrel didn’t even budge. I think he tried some kind of bait-and-switch move on him where he pretended to have a couple of peel-and-eat-shrimp (we live on the waterfront) and as the squirrel moved to “take the bait” my husband instructed the kids to make a run for it. It worked. This time. As for the blue jay, he will straight up swoop down out of nowhere and try to hit you. I’m not kidding. It’s ugly.

2. Theft By Remote Control Truck
Ironically, our local grocery store is “Safeway,” and let me tell you, it is anything but. My first piece of evidence is the witnessing of shoplifting using a remote control Ford Pickup. That’s right, on a hot sunny day a family of five walked in, kids behind them operating a toy truck by remote control. Not two minutes later they walked out with a couple of lil’ hugs (you know those little artificially everthinged juices that come in fake plastic barrels) paid for at the register. But wait folks, did you see that? The handy-dandy remote control Ford is lugging out the Ballpark Franks that will soon land on the illegal balcony grill that evening for dinner. Hey, it’s creative.


Exhibit #1

3. Cucumber Pick Up Lines
Now I’m not bragging, but I’ve heard a few pickup lines in my day (pre-baby) and so I think I know how to handle myself should someone try to make a move. But I was a little surprised to hear this gem:

The scene is set in our local “Safe”way produce department:

Woman (me) is examining European cucumbers for firmness.

Man (that’s the culprit) approaches Woman from behind.

Man sucks teeth, grunts a little, and says to Woman:

“Mmm, is that for me?”

Woman(me) turns to Man and says “ Only if you like it up the ass!”

Sometimes I can really think on my feet. Unfortunately, I had to keep walking because I think he may have been into it. Gross.


Exhibit #2

4. Theft From A Pregnant Woman
Yours truly was shopping with then five-year-old Big Sister at, you guessed it, the local grocery store when I was eight months pregnant. I was a little flustered because it was going to be a busy day. We were planning a birthday party for Big Brother that evening and there was lots to do. In the midst of everything, I put my purse down in my cart and turned my head away for about ten seconds. It was just long enough for the jerk who was fake talking on a cell phone in the cereal aisle to take my wallet and run. Of course I freaked out. Of course I started yelling for help. Of course I cried. Of course TEN MINUTES LATER someone who worked at “Safe”way said:

Oh, hey baby, why don’t you check all the trash cans since that’s where your wallet will get dumped once they take your money and credit cards.

Oh hey baby, thanks. A lot. I stomped out of the store and crumpled down on the curb with Big Sister and started crying. And I didn’t even care what I looked like. And actually, no one really cared that I was crying, I just blended right on in. I was able to call Baby Daddy even though the battery on my cell phone was dying but I managed to get out: I’M AT SAFEWAY. MY WALLET WAS STOLEN. MY PHONE IS DYING. I NEED YOU. WHO STEAL’S FROM A PREGNANT WOMAN?!

He was there a few minutes later. And in that window of time all my cards were maxed out at CVS, the Metro Station, and McDonald’s. Are you kidding me?!


5. Jimmy Buffet Boaties
This is a breed of people very specific to Southwest DC. The boaties. Since we live right near a marina, there are a lot of people who either live on boats, own boats, or for whatever reason act like they live on or own a boat, a.k.a:

“People who do not conduct themselves within the social norms.
i.e., as if they lived on a boat for a period in their lives when one learns how to interact with others in a non-awkward fashion.”

Their attire includes shorts, t-shirts, and flip flops. Year round. Unless of course there is a heavy rain and they look more like the Gorton’s Fisherman:




“Trust the Gorton’s Fisherman.”

Day in and day out they gather at our friend’s bar on the water and watch the sunset, drink, and listen to “Cheeseburger in Paradise.” It’s like watching Groundhog Day. Seriously.

So its things like these that help form our love-hate relationship with the city. Hey, at least it’s exciting. I imagine living in the suburbs where major issues amount to things like how to get rid of all our goose poop around the pond, our property value going down due the neighbor’s purple house, the neighborhood restaurant wants to have outdoor seating and oh hell no we can’t and won’t let THAT happen!

Any of this sound familiar?

So, baby, one day you may read this and understand partly why your dad and I are who we are: a couple of modern urban hippie-types who really just don’t want to keep up with the Joneses.