play catch up

RED FLAG October 29
swollen boobs.
uncanny ability to avoid crying.
glass of milk.
sour patch kids craving.
wine tastes like i bit into a fork.
another glass of milk.
uncanny ability to flood myself out of apartment with tears.
again with the milk!


oh, and there was that faint line that appeared…











October 31
line not so faint this time…









November 2
visit from dear aunt flo expected.
she’s a no-show. how rude!

November 3
busted by babydaddy when he discovers mcdonald’s picante sauce packet in car.

meet up with two girlfriends but i bring two gargantuan greek salads and two huge pepperoni pizzas. for the three of us.

November 4
sleep late, two naps.
do prenatal yoga video for the first and only time.
don’t make it through CSI Miami. What tha-?

Week Five
my trash can:









‘nuf said.

Week Six
first visit to new practice. meet with midwife and a brief discussion reveals that i didn’t need a c-section with baby. they were playing on my emotions. what woman who is full term and offered an out is not gonna take it? i cry and she asks my shoe size (freaky midwife prediction #1.) apparently this corresponds with the size of my pelvis?!

she says they recommend the Bradley Method of childbirth. oh great, a new pregnancy research book and website searching obsession! (at this point i have no idea that i will be asked to join nothing less than a pregnancy boot camp.)

she is heavy set, thinning gray hair, with birkenstocks. she reminds me of a kid’s mom we all went to school with who had like 20 kids and birthed them all from home. in her bed. with help from all the other kids.
she meets me in her office to go over questions and tests i may have. i tell her i’m concerned about my current weight and the fact that i will gain a lot more. she says,

“look, we’re obviously both the type of girl who likes to eat.”

my eyes focus on a half-empty container from a local salad bar on the shelf behind her and i make a mental note to eat a salad with ranch dressing in the very near future. delicious.

“and so anyway, i mean, it’s not like you’re 5oo pounds. because we do get those women in here.”

right. thanks.

“so just focus on eating right. you’ll do it if you really want to.”

i also express my concern about not feeling sick which is the opposite of how i felt with baby.

“well, most likely it’s still too early. don’t worry. you’ll start feeling sick around week eight to ten. also, they say you aren’t as sick with a boy…”

(freaky midwife prediction # 2)

week 8
i start feel like poo every morning.
mornings are the worst extremely tired, very nauseous

when i put baby down for a nap everyday it’s a race to see who can fall asleep faster and i win every time. i know this because i catch myself snoring and i can hear her talking to herself in her crib:

“DOH DEE DOH DEE DEEDLE LEEDLE DEEDLE DOH DEE DOH DEE DOH…”

week 10
i purchase and finish in a couple of days, “Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way.” i have a brief, warning-like conversation with BabyDaddy and explain that this Bradley dude is asking a lot so we better hop on the train right quick ‘cause i’ve already started my tailor sitting, PC exercises, and squats and he’s got some serious relaxation exercises to memorize. he seems unfazed. whatever. he runs marathons.

week 10 ½
i am really tired of people who know i’m pregnant making obvious references to being pregnant in front of people who do not know i’m pregnant. hopefully that makes sense.

“so an so’s having a BABY!”

“well you COULD have a BABY!”

“i really want to tell them you’re having a BABY!”

just tell ME you’re happy i’m having baby and let that be enough. it’s not about those other people. the people who know i am pregnant in this moment, as i am writing this, either know because i feel a sense of duty to tell them, or because i love them enough to lean on them should all of this be taken away.

week 11
ok, so newbie skiny midwife i met with today, not so nice. obviously not the old-school midwife i fell in love with four weeks ago. though she does wear clogs which gets points from me but, nope, that’s it. well she straight up told be that my weight was a concern for the pregnancy and that it was a risk factor for VBAC.

i look behind her but i don’t see an empty salad bar container.

how does one not blush scarlet when told point blank that they’re too fat? have you ever tried to physically prevent yourself from blushing? not so effective. at least she was polite enough to pretend not to notice me blushing. so she wrote me a prescription for a prenatal consult to talk about nutrition. i’m no idiot (maybe you don’t agree at this point) but i know what to eat and not eat. of course that doesn’t stop me from buying a southern chicken biscuit at mcdonald’s on a regular basis. but this is a CRAVING and it will pass. it did before and it will again, right? but the truth is i’ve put on a lot of weight since having baby, actually since i stopped breastfeeding. maybe it was my body’s way of punishing me for feeding my baby formula? yes? maybe? aren’t we supposed to torture ourselves as mothers like this?

so i asked her what i should avoid. my mistake. here’s what she listed:

white flour of any kind
sugar
juice
soda
dessert. all dessert.
did I mention dessert?

so does that mean i have to throw away those three pints of ben and gerry’s in my freezer?


i mean two pints.

yeah so, new skinny midwife with clogs, i don’t think i like you.

but since this isn’t just me we’re talking about, i’m all in.

week 11 1/2
i am a blog reader and many of my favorite bloggers have posted Christmas gift ideas on their sites. lovely if you have a blog that pays for not only your entire household but also the beautiful things you’re lovin’ on these days. but since my readership is roughly the size of the brady bunch, i’m on a budget. so here are some things that are free or nearly so that i’m lovin’ these days:

1. even though i despise all things country or anything remotely pennsylvania dutch-looking, i’m lovin’ the Yankee Candle in the mistletoe scent this time of year. and i’m so glad that it doesn’t make me want to throw up my sugar free meals when i smell it, too. what a bonus.

2. pandora.com: set on the pretenders channel. plays music for me with the following qualifications:

electric rock instrumentation
heavy use of vocal harmonies
repetitive melodic phrasing
paired vocal harmony
major key tonality
electric guitar riffs
a dynamic female vocalist

and whenever she hears the music come on, baby starts bouncing her butt to the beat and waving her arm in the air. could i be more in love? i guess we’ll see.

3. public libraries: as long as i don’t need anything tween-appropriate and recent like the twilight series i can read for free and feel really responsible when i return the books on time. but the visits must be baby-free. cause no one likes to be shooshed. (right j?)

4. pineapple: because as much as i hate to admit it, pregnancy trumps my concern for fossil fuel. oh, give me a break, i can’t eat anything else!

5. i love fat little things, particularly birds. so when i found this and this i had to make my own. they are a little ghetto since i’ve never sewn before and i don’t own a sewing machine, but check out my fat little trees and fat little bird…

made from scrap fabric found at crate and barrel.

huge box of scrap fabric: 80 cents
leftover stuffing from halloween costumes: free
having a martha stewart-like moment when you suck at crafts: priceless


Week 12
December 23
so, this post was actually written and posted today and you are caught up on my secret past 12 weeks and may now experience my pregnancy-obsessed life in real time. if you’re that crazy.maybe you noticed the not-so-subtle references in posts and tweets of late. tonight i will tell my girlfriends (who do not yet know) and babydaddy will tell the people at the restaurant. and this will begin the months of:

“how are you feeling?”

“do you know the sex?”

“have you picked out a name?”

“what is the name?”

“natural childbirth? you don’t have to be a hero.”

but i’m ok with it. because while things are still rough, we’re having a baby.

a baby.

and that will make four children. four blessings. four people we love with hearts that, by some miracle, expand with each new life. thank God.