i’m in pursuit of the perfect day that will never happen.
because on a perfect day i get up early or on time, drink enough water, make sure my kids know that i love spending time with them, work on things for the restaurant, take care of the house, have an adult conversation with someone, make sure my husband knows that i love him, read, write, shower, and make sure that those friends and family members whose paths i cross that day know that i love them, too.
like i said, it will never happen.
see there, i didn’t even mention things like pray, exercise, or floss.
wonder why that is.
i am terribly critical of myself and given my reaction to a recent event, i fear that i will never become the person i want to be. one that loves enough. because love, as found in Corinthians 13:5, “is not rude. it does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.” and yet today i was all of those things.
i am not a saint, don’t want to be a saint. hell, i don’t even quote the bible (except for just now.) i just want to be understood and that seems to be a really difficult thing for me.
you, i need you to understand that when i say i need help, i’m probably past the point of needing it.
and you, i need you to understand that when i say i’m there for you, i mean i’m there for you.
and you, i need you to understand me when i say “danger!”
you, i need you to understand when i say something's not good for my kids so you stop doing it.
you, i need you to trust me all of the time or none of the time, not just when you feel like it.
because, as hard as it is, i’m tired of you all not understanding. and i know that after having heard such scary news last week and today, and last year, and a few years ago, well, i can’t understand either. i can’t understand where this came from, or where it’s going. i can’t understand why it’s you and not me. i can’t understand why things seem to get a lot tighter instead of a lot looser. and i can’t understand why i’m being so selfish. because while this is yours, and yours, and yours, i want you to understand that the solution, the path, the next step, it’s all of ours.
and so maybe my perfect day just needs to be about love. and exercise and prayer and flossing. and water consumption. and my kids. well, all of it. but subtract rude, resentful, and irritable, and maybe the rest will figure itself out.
1 comment:
I know what you mean. The perfect day is such a nice idea but it so rarely happens...for anyone. And it seems like it's less likely to happen if you work in the restaurant industry. So much of the day is based on other people and sadly, we can't control them. Which is really annoying for me because I'm a massive control freak.
The hardest thing in the world is not to learn that you can't control people, only how you react to them - because that is common sense. The hard part is implementing that into everyday practice. It's the single hardest thing for me to do.
But I hope things even out a bit more for you and I'm really excited about dinner on the 28th. I haven't seen you and Tom in a while and it'll be nice to be serving y'all food for a change :)
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