i contemplated not posting this because i was too worried about the ramifications. but i created this place to be able to let things go. so don’t worry about me, just let me vent and tell me you’ve had those days, too.
i am really done today. i’m looking around for someone in the room to ask this question:
how bad would it be if i just ran away?
last week i called five different people last minute for dinner so i could ask them the same question. none of them were free.
i am afraid that he will go to work and when he comes back i simply won’t be here. because i’ll be running away from all of this. because i’m scared and i’m exhausted and i tried and it didn’t work.
i was holding harper, nursing her to sleep because she’s all weepy lately. i waited for her to fall asleep before i started crying again. and when she finally did fall asleep i woke her up because my tears were hitting her cheek.
i don’t care to rattle off the things that are happening, i just want a place to say that lately there are too many of those things. and when they seem to disappear or fade i always breathe with caution, with trepidation, because to relax would be dangerous. even still, today i relaxed. and then it happened again.
so i’m angry, really angry that she did this again. and i’m tired of trusting people, being open and having it bite me in the ass. and i’m really pissed that you took advantage of their gift and now this is what you have to say. i’m done being nice.
3 comments:
I do understand, and I have felt that way. It's been many years since my babies were babies, and still, sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed, overworked and underappreciated that my eyes begin to fill
And then one day, your now-grown baby says they are so glad that you taught them all that you did. Or a friend knows enough to just bring you brownies and their company. Or you get a perfect winter day and everything goes your way.
Then all lines up, the world starts to spin again, and you find it in your heart to overlook the warts in the ones you care about.
Hang in there. This, too, will pass. And if you ran away, they'd just find you anyway.
payson,
thank you for your wisdom and words. that perfect winter day: i have hope that i'll see it soon.
-c
Thank you for posting this. You've posted some things that I've wanted to say but haven't had the courage. I've wanted to run away a lot. When I was 5 I would pack a bag full of stuffed animals and drag them down the stairs. My dad would say that we could run away together. And he would lift my bag and take me to 7-11 to get candy (a big no no in a house full of food hippies). 7-11 isn't the answer for me anymore- but man sometimes I wish that it was. Hang in there.
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