signs?

when we were told we needed to leave this house we searched, unsuccessfully, for a new one in dc.

since then we committed to living in virginia.

when we were living in dc we applied to preschools in the city for amelie, though we were waitlisted for all of them. and because we were moving we committed to sending her to preschool in virginia.

since then we’ve been told she’s been accepted into a full day, five day a week, free program. in dc.

we looked for weeks for a home that would suit our family and finally found one in alexandria.

since then our neighbors told us there were two homes that have become available just down the street, in dc.

we lost two managers at work and our family (me, tom, my parents) has struggled to keep the restaurant going while taking care of our kids.

since then the mother of amelie’s good friend next door announces that they are looking for someone to share their wonderful nanny.

signs?

but i do not believe in fate. i do not believe that everything happens for a reason. i believe in God but i do not believe that this is all part of His plan. i believe that life has been hard, really, really, hard for us for a while now. that it has affected the way we love our kids and the time we are able to spend with them. it has affected our financial situation which in turn affects everything else. it has affected my relationship with tom because when everything else is squeezed out of us; time, money, love, energy, dedication, then we are simply shells for each other, full of nothing for the person we each love the most. and i have been a terrible, non-existent friend. my brother –in-law caught me off guard yesterday when in the midst talking about our lives he simply asked:

-and how are you doing?

and i simply couldn’t handle it. i fumbled, i stuttered, i got all deer-in-the headlights on him.

so here it is- if you see me running around these days, just say hello, tell me about your life, tell me anything. just don’t ask me how i’m doing. not right now.