was it a couple of weeks ago when he started wearing deodorant? maybe last year when he called a girl a bitch on the playground. maybe last week when someone gave him a cell phone. and then he texted you suck big balls to his friend.
he's ten, not fourteen.
when people ask me why amelie hasn't yet watched a movie i think of this. of course she'll love mary poppins. she will laugh her little heart out when she sees julie andrews flying through the sky with her umbrella. but she's three. can't it wait until she's four? five? because then what will we entertain her with? a video game? more movies? a phone? for now she'll watch a little sesame street but she'll also play with cicadas and dance and draw and play dress up and sing.
it breaks my heart that gunter is living in this little boy body, exposed to things he should not yet know. no doubt he has questions but will not ask them. he has fears but will not share them. and the feeling of being a stepparent is like being an animal held back by an invisible electric fence. it is only when you see the danger and run after it that you are shocked into the reality of your role.
it is a scary task we parents have, raising children. juggling their health, safety, the degree to which we show them love and understanding, the effort we make to teach them things we'd wish we'd known; only to have the flood of reality sweep us and our naive and romantic ideals away in a flash. i pray now for the strength to love my children when it is really hard to- when i am tired or unhappy or lazy or angry or disappointed in them. i pray for them to hold on to this gift of innocence for as long as they can, before the rapid succession of reality smacks it out of them. and i pray for help from friends and family when something comes that we feel we cannot survive. something like this. the end of his innocence.
3 comments:
So true. All of it.
Such a scary place. It's that place that makes most people afraid of parenthood - not the toddler stage, not the precious baby stage, but the "tween" and teen stages of life. And then onto young adulthood which may be comprised of resenting and rebelling against the very farmer that so delicately raised that rebelling sunflower. How do we survive it? Lots of late night coffee at the kitchen table with a friend, a sister or Tom. Lots of listening to those that have gone before you. Wisdom will get you through it. And Gunter will help you pave a road for the others to stumble upon, one without as many rocks as there were for him. But the rocks that are there now will help shape him forever, and you even more.
I am drawn to memories of you and Brooke, when you were also filled with wonder and innocence, always loving and giving. When you moved away I feared that magic in you would also go away. I watched from a distance as you matured into adolescence and womanhood, facing the battles of the world.
And now I read your words of love for your children; I see your loving and giving soul incorporated into every fiber of your being. And I believe. I believe in the power of hope and love and God. I celebrate who you are as a woman, a mother and a niece. I love you.
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