let me say this. marriage. having kids. running a business. it’s really freaking hard. because nothing is ever quite what you want it to be. because at some point something has to give. because you spend every moment wondering what should give. because you think in extremes when subtle changes don’t seem like they are going to be enough. because when you feel you are drowning you feel so incredibly alone. because you are so angry you say ugly things even though you actually do know how precious life is. because you don’t know how to ask for help or where it should come from. because you don’t feel like being funny or witty. because you can’t walk away. because you can’t find the balance. because you can’t remember that it gets better and you look back at this and know that it wasn’t the end.
and so you pray, just out loud because you don’t have the grace and dignity to make it a daily thing, and you ask just to survive this. just to survive this. just to survive this.
2 comments:
No comment. Just this: ((((CMP)))) I love you.
I'll never forget the day I met you. As we went around the table and introduced ourselves, you ended your introduction with, "I have a six (?) month old - I cry a lot." I was enamored with your honesty right off the bat. You could have come off as sob-story of a new mother, but instead, I think you won the hearts of everyone at that table right then and there. Honesty can be so beautiful, so refreshing and so necessary for you and everyone around you. I'm not happy to see you struggling, but I'm glad you feel that you have a safe place to "talk" about it and that you actually do talk about it. I spend way too much time censoring myself because so-and-so family member of Erik's family reads my blog, etc. I know you have that same mixed audience, and still, you tell it how it is. But more than that, I think the world of the kind of woman you are and how you're juggling everything. If I could do even 1/4 of what you accomplish in one day, I would think myself a hero. In small and big ways, you're a hero to many, and while that doesn't make it any easier, I sit back and watch you in admiration. You're being challenged beyond what you expected, but I'm excited for you and the very cool life you have created for yourself: beautiful children, awesome husband, meaningful and fulfilling work. You did it. And while you'll never get a break from it, that also means it can't be taken away. Isn't it funny that success often means more pain and exhaustion? Ok, maybe it's not funny...but it seems true. I am thinking of you all the time! Hang in there. You are the perfect combo of soft, strong, imperfect and flawless, too - a beautiful mother. You can do this. Lots of love.
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