soon and very soon

“I'm staring out at endless rows of green
There are miles of hay like I have never seen
Just when you think you've had enough and
your dreams come true
I just want to be closer to you

My mind wanders through all that I've been hiding from
I tried not to let you down
Now I wonder if I've been doin' something wrong
Help me get my feet back on the ground

Tomorrow I'll be lying under you
With a heart of gold and arms to fall into
I know that there might come a day
where my life is through
But I just want to be closer to you.” *

i have managed to find a new level of weepy. after contractions started at my friend ashley’s wedding last night i wondered if this was it. i sat up front and watched my sweet baby girl play flower girl and wept as two ministers married their daughter. one of these ministers married my husband and me. i watched as their faces seemed to be a mix of incredible love for her, a tinge of pain at seeing her through this rite of passage, and grace that called even the most godless in the room to consider that maybe He does exist. and my uterus called me from the sacred moments between them, squeezing tight three times in one hour. still, i did not panic.

we made our way to the reception with four hundred people. over the next few hours we watched as these two celebrated with enthusiasm that could not be contained for their new life together. we ate, drank, and danced. and the contractions kept poking at me, reminding me that they hadn’t left the building. by 10:00 they were a steady fifteen minutes apart. so instead of heading back towards the city, i got up and did the electric slide with one hundred other people. my husband handed me a piece of cake. i took two bites then thought i was going to throw up. ok, maybe it’s time to go.

we had handed our daughter over to my parents hours ago, in anticipation of possible labor, so we drove their tiny convertible
home, with the top down, and music blasting. this was going to be a perfect evening. we got home and decided to get some rest, on the advice of my doula, who said it could still be hours. at 2:15 in the morning i woke up and asked that we start timing contractions. by 4:45 they were five minutes apart. some of them just tight squeezes, some down right painful, coming in waves from my back forward then through my uterus. we called the midwife who told us to come in to the hospital. at 5:20 we left the house, stopping to get gatorade at 7-11. i bought a brown sugar and cinnamon pop tart. babby daddy bought some combos.

we drove to the hospital and i could only eat two or three bites of the pop tart. we decided not to bring all of our stuff inside in case we had to leave. i knew i’d feel like an idiot if i started moving into the maternity ward with five days worth of shit only to move it back out again a couple of hours later.

upon arrival i was contracting and two centimeters dilated. they let me off the monitor to walk for an hour. the woman in room 9 was moaning an unbelievable moan that made me feel like i was kickin’ it poolside at the Ritz. after walking for an hour they checked my cervix and while i was 80% effaced and the baby’s head was very far down, i was still only two centimeters. so they told me to go home.

-tonight, maybe tomorrow, the midwife said. it will be soon.

i’m thankful that if i am stuck waiting i don’t have to be stuck in that bed, but hell if that wasn’t the most depressing walk back to the car.

so now we wait. until i have more pain. more regular pain. pain that keeps me from talking and walking. pain that makes me cry. or we wait for my water to break. and it already feels like an eternity.

in the hospital room i pull my clothes back on as i hear a team of nurses counting to ten for the woman pushing next door. after just a couple of minutes there is a cheer, and then the cry of a baby. i look at my husband and we both have tears in our eyes.

it does work. it will work, for us. soon and very soon.


*lyrics by the amazing ms. brandi carlile