how much of a freak i am

today i researched online how to become less of a control freak. the information i found is proof to me that:

1. the problem does exist.
2. lots of people must be like me
3. i really have issues if i am telling you all of this but whatever right because either you’re gonna identify with me or you’re gonna stop reading this blog because i’m stressing you out or you’re gonna keep reading to see just how much i do reveal about myself. (am i close?)

i hate the look in my husband’s eyes when i second guess everything he does and then instantly feel bad for it. i hate that i sometimes bark at him. i hate the energy i waste going behind people. i wish i could listen more than talk sometimes. i wish i could exist evenly in a room with others. i know that this need to control stems from my insecurity. i know that i’m insecure, that’s nothing new. and since i’m all for getting help but i’m not all for spending money i don’t have i seek help from my greatest of counselors:

google.

wikihow says that i should explore different avenues of art that “treat the topic of leadership through inspiration (rather than control.) Writings such as Ben-Hur, the Koran, the Old and New Testaments, and Leadership and Self-Deception are excellent sources. Movies might include "Bridge over the River Kwai", "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas", "Dead Poets Society", and "The Cowboys". Dance forms would include most Ballroom Dance styles, including the West Coast Swing, the Waltz,.....”

blah, blah, blah,...

i'm reading this and i’m all you’ve got to be kidding me this is not what i need i can do a better job of getting to the bottom of this problem and THIS IS MY PROBLEM.
i did like the point that it made when it said that if i’m constantly telling someone like my husband what to do, how to do it, etc. it is because i’m really just afraid that i will not be loved and cared for in a way that i need. and, as they explain, love and care that is freely given is worth so much more.

so, can i mind my own biz and wait quitely for love and care?

then there’s this poem, which seems harsh but so totally right on at the same time:

Relinquish control
Stop trying to control
People and circumstances
Let go and make advances
Rather than succumbing to
Such unyielding irreverences
Shun manipulative glances
Looks, sighs, and commentary
Let people live happily and freely
Without your incessant control
Stop lording yourself over others
Spying on people like an insidious mole
What horrific thing has happened to you
That your tenderness and inner life
Has suddenly been robbed and stole?
Utterly incapable of being made whole
Are you while tending toward domination
Thwarting the peace and plans of others
Adding to life's complexities and frustration
Forgetting the freedom of human beings
Pushing and shoving your weight around
The tone of your words atrocious in sound
The bite of your attitude alienating others
Causing friction between sisters and brothers
Sowing discord and strife, removing precious life
Your gross sins, foul disgrace are turbulent and rife
When you enter a room, your presence is heavy
Cutting through the atmosphere like a sharp knife
Certainly this is not love, nor the meaning of life
Can you not therefore pleasantly adapt and change
Your way and your manner of trying to control life?
Surely it would be far more peaceful and pleasant
For others and also you, that is if you could simply
Find something else more productive and joyous to do
Your gifts, talents, and abilities seem great but few
That is when they are suffocated by the control factor
Smothered by your mixed motivation and manipulation
I sense if you were to relinquish control and live freely
Your gifts, talents, and abilities would shine magnificently
Others would happily love and embrace you wholeheartedly
Therefore relinquish control, be made whole, and love freely.

much of being a parent, especially of a newborn, is really about surrendering control. and i have gotten better since i had amelie and harper. and i know where i got this. not that it matters. i’m ready to put it down.
i don’t want to tread on the souls of those i love the most. it really consumes me and my energy. and i’m tired.

so perhaps this is a start of me trying to absorb myself into the scenery. more like a flat painting and less, well, bas-relief. thanks for letting me write down this disjointed set of thoughts and selfish observations. knowing that you know what i know kind of makes me accountable, ya’ know?