fifteen minutes

{really, how do i come back to this after so much time? i’m sorry for not writing, mainly sorry to myself, because i miss having the ability to say things without apology and in return receive your words of love and support. thank you for coming back.}

This week through my school work I have listened to lectures and read articles by Dr. Bernie Siegel, MD. Dr. Bernie Siegel is a physician who has cared for and counseled thousands with life-threatening illnesses. He embraces a philosophy of living and dying that stands at the forefront of the medical ethics and spiritual issues our society grapples with today. His humor buffers his severe honesty about illness, death, life, and love and I could have listened to him for hours. This section of study prompted a discussion in which we were asked,

“If you had 15 minutes to live, what would you do?”

As someone who fears death, my own as well as that of my friends and family with every fiber of my being, it was shocking to be asked this question and downright frightening to think about the answer. Of course with each passing stage or event in our lives, the answer would change for each of us. Six or seven months ago when we owned Food Matters my answer would without a doubt include something about running as far away from that place as possible. There were times in that five years that we had the restaurant, and more often towards the end, that I was convinced that continuing to operate it the way things were going would for certain kill me. Every day I am thankful to have been able to walk away from something that had, after five (but really more like seven) years, taken all but the tiniest bit of energy, drive, happiness, and hope from our lives. Easily the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and seven months later, I am still unable to fully articulate my feelings. Perhaps in time it will unravel here, and I’ll be able to let it go along with the other things I have left behind.

I have spent the past couple of months intentionally taking care of myself, though not without a tremendous amount of guilt. A definite sense of calm has come over me without the distractions we had just a short time ago and I have been fortunate enough to spend lots of time with my children as well as develop much deeper relationships with my best friends. And so it is with a bit more clarity that I make an attempt at answering this question of what I would do today if I had fifteen minutes to live.

1. I would make love to my husband.

2. I would tell my children and my family that I love them.

3. I would forgive my father.

4. I would ask God to forgive me.

5. I’d ask my girlfriends to throw me a kick-ass funeral/party.

6. Finally, assuming I had the sense of calm and resolve about me that I hear washes over people before they die, I would hold on to my husband and children until the very last breath. I’m guessing that that would be the smoothest possible transition from life to wherever it is I am to go.

It is certainly the closest thing to Heaven that I have.

{i'd love to hear from you. what would you do with your last fifteen minutes?}