paging doctor downer

i’m not trying to set a goal of having alliterative post titles but this one seemed apropos.

i saw a doctor at the midwife and doctor practice on monday and wanted to write about this then. but i was so high on my poop purge that even the pathetic doctor visit wasn’t gonna bring me down. so now i’m ready.

i was required to see an MD by the skinny midwife who thought i needed a “talkin’ to” about not only my weight (i’ve lost 12 pounds, so suck it) but also the risk of having a VBAC. for those of you who don’t care for acronyms and aren’t part of the military and don’t work for the government and aren’t Methodist, that’s Vaginal Birth After Cesarean. i’ll jump through their hoops as long as they let me have a chance at giving my body permission to have a baby the way it was created to have a baby. i’ve read their information sheets. i’ve read our bodies ourselves for pregnancy and birth, i’ve read the thinking woman’s guide to a better birth, i’ve been on the ICAN website, and i’ve even purchased the “business of being born.” i know about uterine rupture, the requirement for a low transverse incision, the need for constant fetal monitoring, the need for a normal a glucose level, and why induction will not be an option.

i also know that having another c-section would risk infection, hemorrhage, injury to other organs, anesthesia complications, prolonged hospitalization, hysterectomy, and maternal death. never mind the fact that i would miss those precious first several minutes with my baby, something that can never be replaced. so why does it annoy me to have to listen to dr. g tell me why I should not have a VBAC? maybe it was all in the delivery.

first of all, i try not to judge people by how they appear. but man, i cannot stand a dude in a bowtie. i didn’t like it on former mayor of dc anthony williams, i don’t like it on tucker carslon, alan greenspan, donald duck, OR winston churchill. dr. g was wearing a bowtie. strike one.

part of this appointment was to discuss the results of the nuchal translucency test i’d had a couple weeks ago. not only did he not have the results but he proceeded to explain in great detail the faults of their new “high tech system” and why the old hand-delivered results system was much more effective. like i care. i just want to know if my baby is at risk for a birth defect. strike two. before i even get to the major reason for my beef with this guy let me just insert this little gem: he was telling me some lame story about his wife and he referred to her as “the mrs.” my God, man, are you for real?!

so the conversation went something like this (and when i say something like this, i mean exactly like this) :

“so, what questions do you have?”

“is it true that i am at less risk for a uterine rupture if my c-section scar was closed up in two layers rather than one? the specialist you had me see last week suggested that that would be the case.”

(laughing) “well dear I’m afraid that dr. ---- may have inserted a little too much of his own opinion into that answer. that’s probably not true so don’t get your hopes up.”

“ok, so can i get the green light on the VBAC from you or not?”

“i just want you to understand the risk. see, if that baby’s heart rate drops during labor we have about 12 minutes to get you into the operating room for a c-section. that’s not a lot of time. you see, the reason why you’re so upset about having had a c-section was the emergency that surrounded your particular situation-“

“no, it’s not. i had a scheduled c-section. i wasn’t in labor.” (I would really love to shove a speculum down your throat right now…)

“ well, in any case, most women like you just feel guilty about having had a c-section and they really want their last birth to be meaningful and deep so they try to have a vaginal birth. you might as well just abandon those earthy feelings…”

first of all I’d like to make a couple of points to the reader:
1. i am earthy. hello, i wear clogs even when I’m not working on my feet, i compost, and make my own baby food!
2. who said anything about last birth?

he continues:

“so if you were 25 and planning on having lots more kids i’d say, great, go for the VBAC because it would make subsequent vaginal births even easier. but you’re 33, and you’ve already got three kids, so, this is probably it, right? i mean, if you ask me if you should have a VBAC, i’m gonna say no. but if you tell me you want to have a VBAC i guess i’ll support you.”

“i’m not asking you.”

and that was that. i wanted to cry but this bastard didn’t deserve my tears. i got up and made my exit. the receptionist making my next appointment said that she had an opening in four weeks with dr. somebody. no, i said, no more doctors. i prefer to see a midwife.

so wish me luck. not since the ranch-dressing-eating, Birkenstock-wearing, realistically chubby midwife have i had a great appointment here. and i’m losing faith.