colon consternation

the title is your heads up. you’re smart, so you know what this post is about. consider yourself warned.

well good monday morning to you. and i say that with true sincerity because today marks a couple of significant milestones. first, i’m over the naseua that is the first trimester. i hope. and i feel like myself again which is great for me and for the family who has missed me. the other more significant thing is that i’m literally at the “tail” end of proving that this book is, in fact, not true:

that’s right, it seems that my bowels had decided for themselves to try and go for a guinness world record for most days without going number two. and that ain’t right. well, they stuck it out for six days. six days people!

as of yesterday i was still feeling like i had been kidnapped, drugged, and fitted with a laproscopic gastric band that only allowed me to consume ¼ cup of food at each meal. i pictured the meals of the last six days backing up and eventually taking up space on the back of my throat so that i literally could not fit another thing into my mouth. i’m pretty sure that the quarter sandwich that i ate last night was somewhere in vicinity of my sternum.

all the while the fact that i have a monday morning doctor’s appointment is looming in the back of my head. hell if i’m going to stand on that scale with six days of shit in my system so they can keep preaching to me about my eating habits. so i decided to take action. serious action.

i left work last night and headed straight for harris teeter where i proceeded to buy colace ( a pregnancy-safe stool softener,) prune juice, prunes, and double whole wheat bread. needless to say i headed for the self checkout line because no one needs to know that much about me.

and strangely, here i am…


as soon as i start the car i rip open the prune container and start munching. and washing them down with water. i get home and take three colace. and eat more prunes. i request that my husband make me an extra strong cup of pour-through coffee in the morning as a final effort to empty myself. i go to bed and say a prayer:

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
if tomorrow's appointment i should make
i pray the toilet my poop to take.

amen.

i woke up with a laproscopic gastric band stomach ache. i walked straight to the kitchen where my wonderful husband had made me a cup of what can only be described by me now as black gold.

and God bless, it worked. within 20 minutes. my body surrendered it’s fight and i was back to having lost 11 pounds since my skinny midwife appointment. ha. ha.

i’m alive! i’m alive!

are you feeling me? cause if i had to put in terms of say, songs from Julie Andrews films I’d say beforehand i felt like the song “climb every mountain" from the sound of music. i love that movie to my core but i can’t for the life of me sit through that song without excruciating pain, much like that of being constipated for six days.




and now i feel more like this:



so, i write about this very personal disgusting experience only to let you know that, should you ever find yourself in my unfortunate situation, take 20 prunes, 32 ounces of water, three colace, and one triple strength cup of coffee and call me in the morning.