what it feels like to be me at 32 1/2 weeks pregnant

you know, since i haven’t written about it in a while. first up, my pregnancy arsenal, or what i can’t make it through the day without taking:

-prenatal vitamin, for obvious reasons.
-iron supplements, because i am anemic. why when i think of anemic do i think of skinny, malnourished little girls who over-exercise and eat lettuce sandwiches? and given that i am not skinny, malnourished or little, and if i have a sandwich with lettuce on it it’s only because it has also been topped with bacon, tomato, and butter and lightly toasted. so naturally this was a surprise.
colace-because one of the really enjoyable side affects of iron supplements is constipation. when does it end?
tylenol-the safe pain reliever.
tums-because just like when i was pregnant with baby, the heartburn is a constant, but particularly bad at 3:00. every day.

next, things i have to have ready come labor time that still are not ready:

labor mix-because for some reason i’m thinking that i’m gonna want a soundtrack to go along with the near-death pain experience of natural childbirth

birth plan- because it is de rigueur to specify your choice of pain “management” and lighting , and opinion on vaccuum extraction, use of forceps, and artificial rupture of membranes

of course along with that comes a couple of things you will not ever catch me doing:

-taking pictures of my bump/hump/whatever trendy name it has these days-because honestly i write about what i want to remember and i prefer not to look back on days when i could have gotten first place in a goodyear blimp look-alike contest

- wearing “maternity” clothing from american apparel- no amount of stretchy cotton fabric is going to make me look like anything less than a human pig in a blanket. this is seriously cruel and really, there’s nothing else to say.




and in the category of unfortunate side affects of late pregnancy the nominees are:
-outward bound belly button
-skin that has found new limits to stretch to, creating the marks to go with it
-rolling over that requires the top and bottom of my body to turn first, while the middle makes its way around when it feels like it
-sitting up and having my stomach look like a greenbay packers cheesehead


-severe leg cramps between 5 and 7 am every morning
-nazi midwives who tell me to drink one gallon of water a day



and i am seriously afraid to find out how big this baby currently is. the poor thing no longer makes moves like johnny in karate kid. instead they are more like the moves you would make if you were a sitting on a plane with yao ming in front of you and manute bol behind you.


to those of you who have been pregnant, maybe some of this strikes a chord (and p.s., if none of it does, please just don’t tell me. or i may have to reconsider our friendship.)


enjoyable? not really.
tolerable? maybe.
worth it? absolutely.

and only 7 1/2 more weeks to go.